How Lockdown Made Me A Better Mother

Before I was even pregnant with Ramona, I knew that I was ready to be a mother. 

I was my strongest, my most grounded, passionate, true self. I wanted a child to be born to the woman that I was because I had total faith in myself and us as parents. I wanted my child to meet that woman and be proud to call her mum. 

But they never met. 

That glorious woman that I was so excited for my child to meet; who I was so proud to be. I lost that version of myself when Ramona was born. 

Well, I certainly started to shed her at that point. Those 5 days in hospital stripped layers off of me and the rest sloughed away during the first few weeks at home.

I’ve written before about the trauma of giving birth during lockdown (I’ve written a detailed post about it here) but, as time passes, I realise just how devastating it was. There are more tragic stories about that time than my own, I know that. But the psychological impact of those 5 days created ripples in my life that I’m not sure have stilled even now. 

I thought that I was strong before. I thought I was brave. And creative. And patient. I didn’t know what I was talking about.

I may have been a version of all those things but none of that could possibly compare to who I am now. And it’s not down to Ramona. My baby didn’t make me a better person. Coming through the first year of her life is what did that. 

Coping with cluster feeding at 3am on my own in hospital with sepsis and organ failure did it. Spending night after night for weeks comforting and massaging a screaming newborn as she writhed in agony did it. Developing and overcoming mild agoraphobia did it. Sitting awake with Ramona all night in a dark living room because she could only sleep upright, meaning I was awake for 30hrs straight did it. Crying after the zoom calls that were our family’s only way to see Ramona did it. I did it. Jack did it. And Ramona will forever reap the benefit of it.

So much of that pre-Ramona Fiona doesn’t exist anymore because of Lockdown. And I’m so excited for her to get to know this version of me.