Update
Oh my goodness, what an intense few months.
I want to spend days, weeks, writing it all down. But there’s just so much
My head is so full that I can’t focus on anything.
My health. Ramona. My job. My career. My husband. My family. My house. My happiness. My friends. My cats. My writing.
As soon as I sit to try and filter through it all, my brain won’t let me.
And it’s frustrating because I am bursting with ideas and things that actually make me excited.
But I’m stuck.
I’m stuck under the weight of my own criticism and almost insurmountably high expectations
So then I stop. I watch Bad Girls Club or scroll on Instagram. I look at what others are doing and fight the resentment that they have surfaced from the chaos and are doing so well but I’m floundering in the wake of 2021, ignoring the lifeboat that’s floating beside me. Don’t get me wrong: these are people that I love and I’m genuinely overjoyed that they are safe and happy. I don’t even want what they have. It’s more that they don’t have the fears that I have and I don’t want them anymore!
I feel myself clinging to Ramona a little more tightly recently. Kissing her head, running my fingers through her hair, stroking her back and legs when she’s nestled into me and watching Frozen. I love being her mother so much that I actually find refuge in it - at least this is something that I’m good at. I don’t have to put myself out there and rely on others for it to be successful. I just have to love her and that is something that every cell in my body wants to do.
Reading this back, it sounds like I’m massively depressed and I’m not. I’m just a bit lost.
Actually, that doesn’t cover it because I can see land ahead. It feels like I’m actively letting myself float away from it. Because I'm scared.
What if freelancing doesn’t work out? What if I can’t create the wonderful things that I want to put into the world? What if I don’t have any real use?
At home, with my family, I don’t have those worries (well, that’s kind of a lie because I often worry that I’m not giving Ramona the things that she needs but even that sometimes feels like a deflection from the real things that are bothering me)
But I’m still here. I think that’s what I wanted to say: I’m still here. So please don’t give up on me. I really love sharing with you all of the things that life is bringing me and how remarkable this motherhood journey continues to be.
I just need a little more time to get it together
Catch you on the flippity flop
