#BLAW: Because I don’t want to

To paraphrase the great Billie Piper (and whoever wrote that song):

Why you not sharing everything inside? BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO!

And that’s okay.

Talking about baby loss can be celebratory for some. They want to shout their child’s name into the universe, to share their hopes and to keep them a constant presence in their lives. There are those who won’t want to keep it to themselves, to share it with the people they love and trust.

And there are those of us that don’t really want to share any of it.

I appreciate the irony of that seeing as I am sharing this on the internet and plan to share more. But you know what I mean.

There are things that my family, including my sister and parents, don’t know about him and everything that happened around his birth. What labour was like, his funeral, scattering his ashes. All of it.

My friends of 20+ years know even less. But then, while sitting with a friend of 5 years, I let it all flow out of me. All the details of the bad bits and the good bits (and there were so many unexpected, weird good bits), all of the things I didn’t think I could say out loud. But I did and I smiled and laughed. It still makes no sense but, at the same time, was so right in the moment.

And I feel absolutely no guilt about it.

I don’t know if I told her because I knew that, without the weight of knowing me inside out, her response wouldn’t be as wildly emotional as some others may have been. I felt safe enough to not hold back.

It was in my time. I told her because I wanted to. I’m telling you this right now because I want to.

This has been one of the key learnings of this whole thing. We don’t owe anybody anything. Not our physical presence, not our mental/emotional peace, not any part of ourselves until we’re ready to give it. It’s a gift. The story of our child and everything that filled the spaces between our grief.

And when the time is right, I’ll share more. Maybe all of it.

But not right now. Because I don’t want to.