#BLAW: Let those who love you love you

This is a silly thing to say. For me to say. In that, I hate people helping me do anything.

10 years ago, I had to have cognitive therapy (after my seizures) to learn how to do it so that my brain didn’t explode again (it worked for a while and then…)

I willingly let Jack help me but, beyond that, it’s still a struggle.

But, baby loss has almost taught me how to do it. Or maybe it has made me more open to the idea of it.

When you’re planning for the arrival of a new baby, you think about the things people will want to help with. I became obsessed with worrying about controlling grandparents who wanted to clean my house and how I hoped somebody would bring us a lasagne. No idea why I wanted that, it just made/makes sense to me.

You think about someone being there to hold the baby while you have a wee. Or patiently making your fourth cup of tea. (I wouldn’t have been able to let anybody look after him and while I had a nap, that isn’t how my brain works). But there would have been the support that we didn’t have with Ramona. I was open to that help and for people around me to express their love in that way.

But then the baby we planned for was gone.

So how do we let other people in? How can they show us love in a way that doesn’t make me want to put huge, metal bars across the door, close the curtains, and spray “WE’RE NOT HERE. LEAVE US ALONE” on the front door?

How can you show those parents that you love them without overwhelming them.

In both cases, it’s patience. Patience is the one.

Don’t ask too many questions unless you’re invited to do so. You know the bereaved well enough to want to show them love, so you know them well enough to follow their lead and read their cues.

Don’t show up unannounced (my literal number one nightmare is for a knock on the door that I hadn’t planned at least 24hrs in advance).

Don’t give sad face all the time. It’s a reminder of the worst thing that’s ever happened.

Do send memes. Do the small things that you did before so that they don’t feel so much like aliens everybody’s too scared to look at.

And for us bereaved, accept help at your own pace. You don’t owe anybody access to you or your house or your feelings. Share when you’re ready.

Find the strength to share with people what you need. Those who are comfortable being around you want to help but don’t know how. If there are small things that you can accept, let them know. My parents struggle still with knowing how to help me because I haven’t told them what I need. To be honest, I don’t really know what I need. Usually it’s to be left alone.

These are just the things I’ve seen and learned. It’s only been two months so I’m sure, with time, there’ll be more.

Is it weird to say “stay tuned’?