guess who’s back (and then i found out i was pregnant and never posted this)
i wanted to come back at the end of 2023. and then i found out i was pregnant with no contracted work. so i never posted this:
Guess who’s back
Nearly a year away. Who’d have thought it?
It wasn’t even supposed to be a break - I was just getting my head around working four days a week but then everything got a bit much. I had a couple of focal seizures, my income never really reached the level I needed it to be. I was loving the work and then had two clients, together allowing me to save. And thank god because, not a few weeks later, both relationships ended, one due to third party contract issues (not me!) and the other gave me two days notice and was a real knock because I had real close relationships there.
Add a 3 year old, rising costs, a months long lull in work and just life in general, my sense of self and identity just kind of disappeared. In the empty time I had, I struggled even to do the things that made me happy. Writing here, writing fiction, writing non-fiction. Can you spot a connection between the things that make me happy?!
I’ve made notes and small progresses, some that made me so proud I thought I would burst (I have an outline for my book and completed the first full chapter! It doesn’t sound like much but I don’t know how to explain to you how complete I felt, after so much time feeling worthless).
What I have realised is how much of my personal worth comes from working.
I’ve never been without a job. Ever.
And it’s not because I think that working is so cool. I don’t start every day with a little dance in the morning because I’m so excited to do it. Even when I’m doing something that I really love.
It’s because I’ve never had to be financially dependent on anybody but myself. I’ve always been able to contribute equally to everything and I’m proud to say that because I know there are millions of people that wish they could do the same.
But all of a sudden it disappeared. And I became a drain on my little family. And it doesn’t matter how many times Jack told me that was nonsense, that what’s his is mine and mine is his and ours is Mona’s and Mona’s is… well, that bit doesn’t quite work yet.
I have freelance work now and I’m working really hard to pull myself out of the depression that really has had a grip over everything for the last few months.
Part of that work is to get back to the things that make me happy, that feel natural and easy and of some value. Even if it’s only felt by me or maybe even you.
I’m trying to create a space in my head, at my desk, where I can bring some sunlight into my everyday life. And not just when I’m watching Deadloch (which you should definitely watch, by the way).
Catch you on the flippety flop*
*This will never not be funny to me
