Why this #BLAW means so much

CW: baby loss

We shouldn’t support charities and causes just because the mission touches us personally. It shouldn’t just be awareness weeks that make us remember the experiences of others, even if they’re completely removed from our lives. So, I feel like kind of a hypocrite for sharing this.

At the beginning of August I had a stillbirth.

It still feels so weird to say that. I just now had to pause, fingers on keys, words lined up but unable to take that first step out the door.

My son was 38+ weeks, and less than a week from induction when his heart stopped beating.

Honestly, I’m still processing it all but I woke up this morning with the strength to write this. I wanted to grab it before it’s lost to whatever it is inside of me that seems to love suffocating any levity or break from falling apart.

I’m writing this because… actually, I’ve no idea why.

Because I want to believe that there’s power in sharing. In letting people see the really raw bits. It’s something I wanted for this platform - to be very honest in what I’m doing/feeling/learning as fat, black (and old) mother.

And, right now, I’m feeling everything and learning how to make room for a new feeling: grief. It will always be in me, so I need to give it its own room and place at the table.

Anyway

My little man doesn’t get to be here and learn/feel/do. But he can help me to connect with others, learn a very different way to be a mother, and maybe educate or shine a light on this truly horrific experience.

I’m learning how to be patient with myself, to forgive myself, to give myself space.

The theme of Baby Loss Awareness Week this year is self care and personal wellbeing. This is also something I’ve had to learn. To care for myself in ways I’ve not really ever done before.

I want to share my interpretation of self care, share the experiences of others, and ways in which we can support the people in lives that have experienced this kind of loss.

It’s going to be really hard. It has only been a few weeks. And the things I share are going to be honest and occasionally uncomfortable*. But sometimes that’s the best way to learn: to face the thing that scares us so that we can be better for the people we know that have lost a child. Better prepared, better behaved, with a better understanding of what’s happened.

Sharing that I lost my son, that we lost our son, may help you understand the things I post this week and why I’m so passionate in what I say.

This year’s Baby Loss Awareness Week is about self care. For me, I think that means honesty in every part of my life.

So, here goes.