Benefits of Ramona getting older: writing

I want my baby to be a baby forever, but I also want her to be able to wipe her own bum. I want her to tell me when she wants something but I will cry like an idiot when she starts speaking in full sentences and doesn’t need me to put her shoes on. 

However, as my little bug gets bigger and can spend longer periods of time away from me, I've found myself making time for the things that always made me happy. More than that, I'm doing them in much healthier ways; ways that feel more real and tangible. 

I’ve always written: I wrote songs instead of written projects in primary school. I wrote stories and read books as easily as falling asleep. I was always overflowing. But then depression and anxiety tore me to pieces and that part of myself receded. It was like it was hiding, protecting itself from me while I was dancing in the maelstrom.

The only way I could access that part of myself was through drinking. I was so proud of my writing and then, all of a sudden, it was only accessible to me when at my lowest state. I would write with a fury, completely out of control. I’d read it back when sober and I'd be almost amazed at the volume and the vibrancy and detail but it felt like somebody else had written it. It was detached, removed from who I actually was.

Now, I want to write again. But I want to be fully present and create so that I can be fully grounded in it and actually be proud of something that I created with intention. Having a baby, time is so precious now and I want to fill it with something I can be proud of. I want to create something that Ramona can be proud of. I want her to see her mum going for all of her dreams, without fear of failure and totally in control.

I may not want time to pass too quickly and lose my baby. But I want to use the gift of additional time to make myself happy and let Ramona see her mother shine.