‘Gentle parenting’ is a deceptive title

Sometimes when Ramona cries, my heart stops dead and I can't even think properly. I physically have to stop whatever I'm doing and hold her.

Thankfully, those real, desperate cries are few and far between.

Usually when she cries, it is out of frustration and a little bit of rage. Okay, a lot of rage:

Why do I have to brush my teeth?
Why can't I run into the road?
Why has Bob Marley stopped playing on the phone?

When this happens, it can be really easy to get a bit annoyed and impatient with her. It's foolish to cry over these things, especially when they're things that happen every day and always with the same result. Or all she has to do is ask - please can we hear Jamming again, please can I have that orange, why are you making me wait more than 5 seconds for dinner, mummy?

She sits and stares deep into my eyes while wailing, her little face red and soaking wet with tears. It can be exceptionally frustrating and irritating to see this otherwise really rational person behaving so dramatically.

And then I remember that she *is* rational. She's so clever and learning to be patient and happy to feel listened to and treated like an equal*

So I hug her, stroke her head and tell her it's okay - I bet this feels really unfair, it isn't nice when you can't do something you really want, is it? It's hard, isn't it? And that's okay, I understand, darling. You cry, you let it all out. And as soon as you're ready to stop, just say "ready!" and we'll keep going.

And it works. It always works.

Admittedly, sometimes it takes a bit longer than others but she slows down, her breathing gets deeper and she grins "READY!!"

For the days where that approach doesn’t work, I’ve taught her to lift her hands in the air and inhale and then let her arms drop as she exhales. I ask her to do it until I can see the tension fall out of her body.

I sometimes feel like maybe I'm over-indulging her. That maybe I shouldn't really let her get so worked up over small things.

But they aren't small to her. And, more importantly, I don't want her to learn that stuffing her feelings down or cutting them short is normal or right.

I also needed to think about why I wanted her to stop - it's not for her, she's doing what she needs to do in the moment. So it has to be me, about how it makes me feel. But it doesn't matter how it makes me feel. And I don't want her to tie her emotional expression to mine.

It is striking just how much of parenting is coming to terms with your own issues. I have trauma in my past, most people do, right? But I always worried about the obvious trauma and the impact that could have on my parenting style; I don’t want the lingering aftermath of what happened to me decades ago to even be a whisper in the background of her upbringing. I know firsthand the weight of being raised by traumatised family members and, if I only ever succeed in one thing in my life, I want it to be that Ramona never has to experience that.

I actually wish that I could express myself like a toddler - just organic, honest, full throated responses to everything in the moment. And I know that isn't something that will be possible as an adult in the real world.

So, for now, I'm going to keep supporting her expression of frustration in the hope that it will build a lifelong core belief that her emotions are valid and she has every right to express them. Just hopefully with less screaming and throwing Duplo blocks on the floor.